The GOP Madness Sweet 16 will launch on Monday, so I thought I'd do a quick update on how the first round shook out. You can see the bracket here or click the image above. We began the competition pitting the booing of the gay soldier at one of the GOP debates against Mitt Romney's obsession with the height of Michigan trees. Apparently, the trees that were too big were viciously assaulted with a pair of scissors. In any case, it was no contest, the GOP audience won the contest 82-17.
Next we pitted Herman Cain's argument that for every woman who came forth alleging sexual harassment, there were thousands who didn't, versus Rick Perry's campaign-ending statement that Republicans who opposed the DREAM Act were heartless. In a rarity this contest'the hilarious beat the substantive and Cain advanced to the second round, 73-26.
The third contest was actually a hilarious versus hilarious faceoff'Calista grooming Newt versus Mitt Romney's Ford Field Fiasco. Newt lost yet again, 16-83.
I'm still pissed about the fourth contest, where we pitted Herman Cain's long Libya pause versus Rick Santorum's statement that JFK made him want to puke. Santorum won 65-34, which means most of you didn't actually watch the video of Cain stumbling around trying to figure out what the heck this "Libya" thing was that he was being asked about. I'm going to hold a grudge about that one.
Next we got to make fun of the Bachmanns and their corndog-eating antics in Iowa, versus Mitt Romney's Etch a Sketch. Predictably, some people got upset at the corndog humor, but anyone who can't appreciate this picture is humor-deficient. Still, I was surprised the corn dogs scored as high as 42 percent, given that I expected Etch-a-Sketch to run away with it.
In what was probably the least fair matchup of the contest, Herman Cain's lawyered-up press conference went head-to-head against Rick Perry's debate "oops" moment. Perry's 88-11 victory was closer than I expected.
Then we had Michele Bachmann's 7-foot doctor challenge Rick Perry's Niggerhead ranch. Perry won the round 63-36, no doubt aided by a bonus Herman Cain connection.
The halfway point of the first round featured Newt Gingrich's moon bases against Rick Santorum telling the people of Puerto Rico to speak English if they wanted to be U.S. citizens. Now I was all over that Santorum story, for obvious reasons. But come on, how could you all reject moon bases? I mean, Newt Gingrich really thought he was making history with his call for MOON BASES! In any case, it wasn't very close, Santorum won 64-35.
We then resurrected Tim Pawlenty as a contestant and faced him off against Rick Santorum's "what a snob!" nonsense. I was secretly rooting for Tim Pawlenty, given that he'd likely be the nominee if he hadn't been knocked out of the race by'snort'Michele Bachmann. But this was one of the most lopsided contests of the competition, with Santorum winning 90-8. Where did the other 2 percent of the votes go? Beats me, since there were only two options. We still have bugs.
I then expected another lopsided competition when we faced off Rick Perry's drunken New Hampshire speech with Ann Romney's Cadillacs. Given the final 69-30 score, either 1) people didn't see the Rick Perry video, or 2) the Romney class cluelessness severely outweighed the hilarity of Rick Perry's candidacy disintegrating before our very eyes.
We finally had our first single-digit race, when Rich Santorum's outrage at blah people who don't work beat Ron Paul's honest rapes 54-45.
The GOP debate audience got a second representative in the Sweet 16 when "Let him die!" beat Romney's car elevator 76-22.
Round 13 featured the closest contest of the competition, one in which we saw leads switch back and forth several times over the voting day. Mitt Romney's sports team owner BFFs edged out Donald Trump's birtherism by just 20 votes out of 4,500 cast. The two candidates were so evenly matched, that I don't even remember who I voted for'they were both so worthy!
Rick Santorum won yet another contest when his demands for people to stop having sex for pleasure (an important policy issue!) beat out Ron Paul's racist newsletters 59-40. You people were determined to ensure that Paul would end this campaign season without a single victory. Mission accomplished!
I was then rooting for Michele Bachmann channeling the spirit of John Wayne Gacy to move into the second round, but it was crushed, 80-19, by Mitt Romney's belief that corporations are people, my friend. Once again, you guys opted for substance over hilarity.
And then yesterday, Romney beat yet another hilarious entrant, 80-19, when his "I don't care about poor people" beat Herman Cain's life philosophy according to Pokemon.
The winningest candidates:
Romney 5
Perry 3
Audience 2
Cain 1
Everyone else 0
Question for you guys: Did we miss any great GOP primary moments?
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