Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better. Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. This should satisfactorily resolve all questions as to my human American origins.
It also allows my supporters to continue talking about birth certificates, upon which I shall state that I see no controversy in any birth certificates, but that I am not the human boss of them and cannot stop them from opining on the subject. Speaking of that, my event with Mr. Trump last evening was simultaneously excruciating and uneventful, much like one of Mr. Trump's television programs.
As a result of the Texas primary elections yesterday, I am now confirmed as the human Republican nominee for president. This represents the farthest I have ever gotten during one of my national campaigns; I attribute this to my newfound flexibility in opinion-having. I have continued to practice having many simultaneous opinions on things, as I expect the next few months will require substantial opinion modifications, after the previous opinion modifications rendered necessary by this last primary season. I have asked my advisers to determine whether it would be better to modify all of my current opinions at once or modify them incrementally; I suspect there may be a tax advantage in modifying them all in one go?
While these questions are resolved, I have been forced to refrain from having any further opinions on things. I have now retooled all past opinions to be as generic as possible, generally centering each of them upon the statement that America is a quite satisfactory place, or would be if it were not for my opponents and their incorrect opinion-having. This seems to be working out remarkably well. It even seems that the more generic my statements become, the more satisfactory audiences find them, thus negating any burdensome need for the stating of opinions at all. I may need to explore this further. While I am not certain just how empty of meaning my own public statements can become, I feel that it is a challenge I am especially well-suited for. Indeed, when I am emphatically stating meaningless positive statements in front of a large audience, I truly feel that my campaign has finally become a well-oiled human machine.
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