The Chronicles of Mitt: June 25, 2012

  Hello human diary, Mitt here.

I must make this quick, Mr. Diary, because today I am in hiding. Or more accurately, I am on my campaign aircraft, attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible, with a phalanx of staffers acting as the only things standing between me and a horde of hostile reporter units. It is just like that one movie, but on an aircraft.

The Supreme Court has issued a ruling on an immigration matter, and until my staff has determined what my opinion on the issue is, I am not allowed to comment on it or, indeed, to say anything at all. Given past history this may take anywhere from hours to weeks. The last time they put me in sequestration, my staff forgot to feed me; this time I hope there will be no similar complications. We are on our way to a fundraiser, and the current discussion is whether I should still appear there, but feign laryngitis, or whether we can avoid the event entirely by claiming a more important commitment. There is the possibility that I can claim to be in an important secret meeting with foreign monarchs; this seems to have worked well for Sen. Scott Brown.

We were not prepared for this. We knew the court would be ruling on health care issues, but nobody on my campaign staff was aware that they would be issuing decisions on other cases during this same term. I and my staff had naturally assumed that it was just the one. Is it usual for more than one opinion to be announced during a given year? I am not sure how any individual could maintain such a brisk decision-making pace.

I must go now, Mr. Diary. Rick has been holding these reporters off for about 10 minutes now, but I do not think it will last much longer. I am going to hide in the lavatory. If any reporter units ask, I will say that I may or may not be having explosive intestinal problems, and to please come back later when my staff has determined whether or not I am having them.

P.S. Eric F. is shouting now, saying we will have to have at least some opinion once this aircraft lands and we must depart for the fundraiser. It is one thing to ignore reporters, he says, but it will be a cold day in hell before this campaign ignores people trying to give us money. This is a bit exciting, Mr. Diary: I wonder what my opinion will turn out to be.