Hello, human diary. It is, Mitt Romney, your better. I am very, very angry today, Mr. Diary. We have learned that my opponent will be undertaking a BUS TOUR as part of his reelection campaign, and taking BUS TOURS was very clearly my idea first. I was the one who thought of it. I was the one who first invented the idea of riding on large vehicles for political purposes, in fact, and to have my opponent so blatantly steal the idea is infuriating. I immediately told my staff to locate my own campaign bus, so that I could be assured that it was not the bus being used by Obama in his own tour; they informed me that all was well, as we had previously sent it to circle Boston-area convenience stores and blow its horn whenever a commoner walked out with a purchase that our campaign would not approve of. This is at least some relief, as I do not think I would enjoy firing Mr. Bus as thoroughly as I enjoy firing most humans that work for me.
On top of this, today my staff went to complain to the Washington Post about an outrageous report they had done about my days at Bain Capital. The Washington Post claimed I was an offshoring pioneer, when clearly I was an outsourcing pioneer'these are two entirely different things. And I should know, because I am a recognized expert in both. Offshoring is when you fire your American workers and reconstruct those same jobs overseas, where worker and environmental protections are more lax and therefore more conducive to profit. Outsourcing is when you fire your American workers but do not give a particular damn where those jobs are moved to. Each of these things are different from downsizing, rightsizing, outsizing, rightsourcing, offsizing and sourcesizing, all of which are similar only in the broad sense that they attempt to decrease worker rights and pay in order to justify higher executive profit-taking.
The meeting did not go well. My staff had been well-prepared, bringing along explanatory notes for a each of the very numerous cases in which my company terminated workers in order to send their jobs to cheaper locations. Our obvious defense was that of course we were going to fire those workers, because firing those workers would gain us considerable short-term monetary gains, and if I had not taken advantage of those situations I would not be nearly as wealthy as I currently am. Since I am wealthy, my opinion on these matters counts for far more than the opinions of either commoners or press units, therefore it is obvious that my position is the correct one. The newspaper, however, continued to believe that a corporate pattern of continuously terminating workers in order to better glean profits from their often-weakened businesses was somehow a newsworthy story.
I have been complaining bitterly to my staff about this, and we are attempting to determine what our next move should be. I suggested to my staff that perhaps we take a page from the Ross Perot handbook (he was a past wealth unit that competed for the presidency) and purchase network time in order to tell my side of the story. I could take the public through each of the companies that I successfully downsized or offshored key components of, and would explain in each of the cases, using charts and other visual aids, how nice it was, how satisfactory it was to fire those workers, and how much money I personally gained from the action. It would have to be an ongoing series, as there are too many companies to get through in one sitting, but perhaps we could make it a weekly campaign event?
So far my staff seems strongly opposed to this idea. In fact, they are suggesting that even sharing with the public the information we provided to the Washington Post would have negative effects. This appears to be yet another area of campaign logic that eludes me, but they are quite insistent.
In the meantime, we will do what we can. I have instructed the staff to send my campaign bus to circle the Washington Post headquarters, blowing its horn in an annoying and disruptive fashion. This will thoroughly discredit them in the eyes of anyone who passes by, thus preventing the public from hearing anything more about this matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment