The Chronicles of Mitt: June 26, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Yesterday went better than expected. I was able to memorize one or two sentences regarding immigration and how the Supreme Court decision in the matter was not of the correct latitude and/or longitude. As there were no questions allowed, I did not have to elaborate further. To be safe, however, we have continued to reiterate to reporter units that we will be stating no further opinions and that if they continue to ask about this topic we shall erase all of their hard drives.

Nonetheless, this experience has convinced my staff and I of the importance of delivering a response to the upcoming Supreme Court health care decision in an expeditious manner. We are certain we can prepare a statement that will work regardless of the actual decision handed down; this is necessary because the time it would take to determine a separate opinion for each eventuality would be far beyond our ability to calculate. So far, we have decided on:

This Supreme Court decision shows that Barack Obama

This is a good start. After determining this much, my staff and I decided to pause for a few days before completing the rest. It is always important, when determining opinions, to not rush things.

There is also the matter of the health care policies I myself helped to implement in Massachusetts during the time I spent as a governor unit there. They are much the same as the current rules being decided by the court, with minor exceptions such as my own plan including abortion coverage. I believe that plan is in no danger, however, as it was supported by a Republican politician and therefore clearly Constitutional. The currently controversial plan was supported by a Democratic politician, and therefore clearly not Constitutional. Honestly, for all the grumbling Constitutional scholars do about the nuances of law, I have yet to meet a fellow Republican unit who did not immediately grasp this concept.

Given how simple these questions boil down to being, in fact, the Supreme Court seems the sort of thing that could easily be offshored to workers in India or another nation, thus allowing us to sell off the current building for a bit of extra cash. Aside from a few individuals in the Fox News graphic department (bless Rupert's heart, the fellow has a soft spot for hiring individuals too dumb to otherwise gain employment) nearly anyone can simply check whether the proponent of a given government action is a Democrat or a Republican.

This leadership business does not seem too difficult, Mr. Diary. Meet with wealthy investors; honk your horn at commoners; determine which things are properly dimensioned and which are not, according to who is in support of them'I believe I have the knack of things now. My staff assures me that there will be no further things in the nation that I will need to express an opinion on after this one, so I believe the campaign shall be a bit smoother from now on.