GOP Madness, 2012, Round 1, Match 9

Yesterday we concluded the first half of the first round's 16 matches. Now, for the next eight weekdays, we get to see who those early winners will face in the second round.

The bracket is here. Today's winner will face the GOP debate audience booing the gay soldier in the second round.

1. TIM PAWLENTY DROPS OUT

Tim Pawlenty was a two-term governor of liberal Minnesota'winning reelection in 2006 by the slimmest of margins despite amassing what was a surprisingly conservative record for the state. Thus, he had a compelling story'electable in hostile territory, scandal free, while stepping on very few conservative third rails. He was an asshole on immigration, on a woman's right to choose, on labor, on freedoms for non-Christian fundamentalists, etc., etc. And being Minnesota governor gave him a sort of home-field advantage in next-door Iowa. In other words, he seemed to be the perfect candidate on paper.

Problem was, he was boring. I mean, really boring. So boring, that they had to bust open the Michael Bay playbook to try to jazz him up:

He wasn't going to light up the world, but he had all the markings of a decent candidate, and he kicked off his campaign in May of 2011 to a fair amount of fanfare. A columnist in the Wall Street Journal announced:

The T-Paw moment has arrived.

(I'm trying to relive the excitement while stifling a yawn.)

"T-Paw's" moment may have arrived, but he ended it on Aug. 13, 2011 after coming in third at the Ames Straw Poll behind'try not to laugh'Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul. In other words, all it took was 4,823 irrelevant and insignificant votes for Bachmann at the political equivalent of a county fair to convince Pawlenty that he was through. It was the only logical conclusion! As Ames goes, so goes Iowa, right? Let's look at some of the past winners: Pat Robertson in 1987, Phil Gramm in 1995, and Mitt Romney in 2008. Umm ... okay, maybe it's not so relevant.

Incidentally, Romney learned his lesson from 2008. He skipped out on the contest and got just 567 votes. But he didn't give a shit. He was actually trying to win the nomination.

Which leads to the obvious question'did Pawlenty simply lack the fire for a drawn out presidential nomination contest? Or was he just really stupid and convinced himself he couldn't compete against the Bachmann juggernaut? Because had he stayed in, he would've been the logical anti-Romney. And unlike Rick Santorum (1,657 votes at Ames) and Newt Gingrich (385 votes), Pawlenty's odds would've been better than even to take the nomination.

2. RICK SANTORUM THINKS BARACK OBAMA IS A SNOB FOR WANTING PEOPLE TO GO TO COLLEGE

Every so often, Barack Obama says that college should be affordable for every kid who wants to attend, and that everyone should get career training of some sort. You know, stuff like:

Tonight, I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. This can be community college or a four-year school; vocational training or an apprenticeship. But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma.

And this:

They don't all have to go to four-year colleges and universities -- although we need more engineers and we need more scientists, and we've got to make sure that college is affordable and accessible. But we also need skilled workers who are going to community colleges, or middle-aged workers who are allowed to retrain, have a commitment to work, have that work ethic.

And this:

I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential'schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college'even if their parents aren't rich.

All of this infuriated Rick Santorum because, you know, he's an assole.

President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob.

His audience loved it, because, you know, nothing says "not a snob" more than having an undergraduate degree from Penn State, an MBA from the University of Pittsburgh, and a J.D. from Dickinson'then railing against anyone else who might also want to get educated.

Eventually, Santorum was forced to retreat on Fox News:

I've read some columns where at least it was characterized that the president said, we should go to four-year colleges. If it was in error, then I agree with the president that we should have options for people to go to variety of different training options for them.

Read some columns? Perhaps he shouldn't get his "news" from Newsmax and wingnut email forwards.