Michele Bachmann endorses Mitt Romney because she wantszzzzzzzzzzzz

Pssssst. Michele. No one cares, honey. You're kind of, well, irrelevant. (Robert Galbraith/Reuters) Today, Rep. Michele "Batshit Crazy" Bachmann is expected to add her name to the list of Republicans who hate Mitt Romney but now must beg their fellow Republicans to vote for him anyway because all the other contenders (including Rep. Batshit Crazy) were so much worse.

According to Bachmann's former campaign manager, Keith Nahigian, Bachmann will pretend she didn't spend her days as a wannabe presidential candidate beating up Mitt Romney for being a flip-flopping, abortion-loving, socialized medicine-promoting moderate who'shudder! gasp! hide the children!'cooperates with Democrats:

Nahigian insists the endorsement is outside the realm of politics, pointing to a friendship that developed between the two candidates last fall.

'She really liked Romney during all the debates. Really liked him behind the stage, behind the scenes,' Nahigian said. 'He was so polite to her every time they saw each other.'

Suuuuuuuuuure. They're best pals. So much in common. He likes to tear down mansions to build bigger mansions, and she gets pouty when she loses fights with the voices in her head. Two peas in a pod.

The real reason Michele is offering up her sweet, sweet endorsement, however, comes straight from Michele:

'He cannot beat Obama,' Bachmann said. 'It's not going to happen.'

Oh, sorry, that was what she said before she dropped out of the race. Here's what she's saying now:

'I want my voice to be one of uniting our party, the independents, the mainstream, the conservatives, evangelicals, the Tea Party movement,' she said during a recent appearance on NBC's 'Meet the Press.'"

'I'm waiting,' Bachmann said, 'for our party to come together and help in that process.'

See that? That's Michele deluding herself about her own significance, as if she alone has the power to unite a party that was willing to dump her by the side of the road just because Rick Perry came a-struttin' through Iowa. And as for that tea party "movement" of which Michele imagines herself queen? She couldn't even get the tea party to give an eighth of a crap about her while she was running, since they were only willing to "support" her without "endorsing" her:

Tea Party Express will "support" Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann's campaign for president, the group announced Monday. But that's not a full-fledged endorsement, the national Tea Party organization clarified.

That support-but-not-endorsement from the Tea Party Express was actually generous, though, compared with the sentiments of other tea party factions:

And earlier this year, another Tea Party group, American Majority, called on Bachmann to quit the race and open up breathing space for what they described as more viable Republican presidential candidates.

But now Michele is going to bring the full force of her, uh, "popularity" with the tea party to help unite Republicans behind Mitt? Suuuuuuuuuure.