Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better. We have been making more progress of late in planning how to properly utilize failed candidate units as surrogates for my general election campaign. The premise of surrogates, Mr. Diary, is to convince commoners that I am likable and competent by having prominent individuals say so. Commoners enjoy hearing from prominent individuals, and generally accept what they have to say, but for some reason this instinct is easily doubled when the prominent individual is someone who has failed impressively in the endeavor they are purporting to know something about. Towards this end we have chosen to utilize Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump as our prominent failure surrogates.
Donald Trump has always been a much sought after surrogate for my campaign. More than any other individual, I feel Trump embodies what kind of person I am, what kind of things I want to do for America, and how great wealth makes individuals naturally better than the common people. (I also understand Trump has an especially good relationship with the Blacks? I do not believe I have heard of this Black family, but perhaps I shall have Mr. Trump invite them to my next fundraising opportunity.) Mr. Trump was briefly a candidate himself of sorts, before his ambitions were cruelly cut down by Mr. Obama making fun of him in a public location. This is yet another example of the current administration's hostility towards business and free enterprise. (I have never before heard of the dignified Mr. Trump being made fun of, which makes Mr. Obama's actions even less defensible.) And all of this merely because Mr. Trump suggested Mr. Obama was not a true American!
The whole episode was very disconcerting, Mr. Diary. If the wealthiest of Americans cannot question the citizenship of members of lower classes without being scolded in return, then this country has turned into a dark and confusing place indeed. I can only hope this class warfare will someday end.
Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, is not a terribly useful surrogate to me, but as I played no small part in nearly bankrupting the man, that means I own him now, and need to put him to use in whatever manner I can think of. He is under the impression that my campaign may help pay off some of his debts, which I think is quite adorable. Nonetheless, I shall put him to work convincing common Americans of my satisfactory likability and competence, and he certainly ought to be able to truthfully attest that I am at least more likable and competent than he himself is, which should impress the citizen units. After that I will downsize him, or perhaps put him to work in place of the gardening units I had to downsize because of their dubious legal status.
We have decided to limit the surrogate appearances of Mr. Herman Cain, as his suggestion that the campaign engage in something called "pantsless Wednesdays" was met with significant hostility.
There is little else to report today. I informed some Philadelphia school teachers that I believed large class sizes was quite satisfactory, as it would allow schools to more efficiently downsize workers. They seemed irritated by this rather self-evident suggestion. Education, like all of government, is best run as a business, and the primary duty of business is to downsize as many individuals as possible so as to allow the leaders of the business to achieve satisfactory financial bonuses. Eric F. says our educational message may need more adjustment, perhaps by ceasing mention of it.
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