The Chronicles of Mitt: May 14, 2012

  Hello, human diary! It is again I, Mitt Romney, your better.

The process of selecting a vice presidential unit is now fully underway. I must confess the process is very taxing, which is the worst thing something can be. My advisers are insistent that I select a Caucasian fellow, preferably one that is as dull as possible. Unfortunately, as this describes the vast majority of my party, this has so far done almost nothing to whittle down the list of potential candidates.

We are certain that we do not want a human female. That would be an unnecessary complication, and would conflict with our core message as to the natural decision-making inferiority of human females. There was an ethnic fellow in Florida that my advisers were briefly considering, but we all agree that American campaigns have far too many ethnic people involved already, and are loathe to add one more. The litmus test suggested to me was that I choose someone I would desire to consume an alcoholic beverage with, supposing I was able to consume alcoholic beverages; upon hearing this I immediately suggested perhaps someone who owned a prominent sporting franchise? Sporting franchises seem rife with alcoholic beverage consumption. Potential inquiries to my old Bain chums were nixed, as Eric F. demands I refrain from socializing with them for the duration of the campaign.

There is also the problem of durability. Eric F. has clarified that once a vice presidential unit is selected, they cannot then be terminated or replaced with other candidates. He seems insistent on this. This seems preposterous to me; one of my features I am most proud of is my ability to revise past decisions on an expeditious timeframe. I have been rated at upwards of 5.2 rvs, or revisions per second, well in excess of nearly all of my peer units. I had been under the assumption that once choosing a vice presidential unit, I would then condemn that unit and choose another, then perhaps another still, before eventually revising my previous condemnations of one of the early units. Eric F., however, is of the opinion that there are overriding reasons not to do this. I repeatedly inquired as to why; Eric F. gave a host of unconvincing answers before I asked whether such moves would be against insider trading regulations, at which point he confirmed that this would indeed be the case. This answer I find easier to comprehend, although I have some suspicion he is merely humoring me.

Regardless, the search for an adequate and sufficiently dull Caucasian continues. Most have already been rejected due to their religion, documented political history, or suspicions of closet ethnicity: I can best compare the process to the application process at a golf or yachting organization. Once we purge the lists of undesirables, we may be better able to judge the relative dullness of the remaining candidates. One would think one could simply choose whichever human had the highest net earnings during the last few business quarters, but the necessity of extreme dullness would render this algorithm insufficiently restrictive. More time will be needed.