GOP Madness, Round 1, Match 16

Today's contest closes out the first round. Phew! The bracket is here. Today's winner will draw a tough second-round match'Rick Perry's "oops" moment.

1. HERMAN CAIN WAXES POETIC ON POKEMON

When Herman Cain announced his speech, he shared with the six people in attendance his life philosophy, which he said he gleaned from the closing song to the 2000 Olympics:

'Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There's a mission just for you and me.'

Then, in an August debate, he attributed them to, believe it or not, a "poet":

A poet once said, 'Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line

Was that poet e.e. cummings, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, Sylvia Plath or Langston Hughes? Nope, it was Pokemon.

When first confronted about the source of his life philosophy, Cain insisted that he hadn't been watching Pokemon videos! But on that last day of his campaign, he finally came clean:

I believe these words came from the Pokémon movie. 'Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There's a mission just for you and me.'

Laugh all you want, but the words were appropriate as the movie follows a narrative eerily similar to Cain's presidential bid:

Ash Ketchum must gather the three spheres of fire, ice and lightning in order to restore balance to the Orange Islands.

Just replace fire with "9," ice with "9," and lightning with "9," and replace Orange Islands with "Cain's bank account," and the similarities are almost spooky.

But as funny as it is for a presidential pretender to be quoting bad Japanese anime in his speeches and debates might be, what's even funnier is that this was Cain's source material:

Anyone inspired by that song has some serious issues.

2. MITT ROMNEY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT POOR PEOPLE

Worst presidential candidate ever?

I'm in this race because I care about Americans. I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it.

Everything Mitt Romney says reinforces one of two narratives: that 1) he's a rich elitist fuck who is out of touch with the concerns with regular Americans, or that 2) he's a callous bully.

Romney managed a two-fer with that quote, reinforcing both narratives in a single sentence.