The Chronicles of Mitt: June 9, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Reporters have apparently been querying, Mr. Diary, about other instances of youthful indiscretion I may have engaged in during the time I was an indiscreet youth. This time it was about an incident in which I showed my college chums a Michigan State Trooper uniform that I had procured from my father, during the time he was governor and I was an indiscreet youth, and which I used in order to make random traffic stops on the roads of Michigan during those times that I was feeling particularly irritated with the commoner units for their various insufficiencies. (I had also procured a flashing red light to affix to my beloved Rambler, thus better completing the impression of law enforcement officer.)

My staff seems to be worried about this revelation. I am not sure why; I merely did what any respectable son of a wealthy and powerful man might do, which is to use his power and influence to place myself in positions of power over others, whether that power was deserved or not. I think I would have been more foolish as a wealthy teen to not dress up in a State Trooper uniform procured by my powerful father in order to pull drivers over and reprimand them about their driving habits or the incorrect heights of their cars.

Indeed, I have tried my best to fulfill that same role throughout my life'that is, to use my wealth and my parent's political stature to place myself in positions of authority over others, as is appropriate of youth within all respectable circles of wealth and political power. It has not always worked out to my satisfaction, since elections are irritatingly complicated things, but I consider it a point of pride that I have been so rigorous in my attempts at it. Whether it be pulling motorists over by pretending to be an officer of the law or requiring my less wealthy school chums to wear their hair the correct length, my efforts to assist commoners and other less fortunate units by imparting to them my own wisdom and decision-making capabilities was instilled in me, I am proud to say, at an early age.

Nevertheless, my advisers unanimously feel this is a subject that should not be discussed further. Eric F. has forbidden me from mentioning it during the campaign. It is confusing, as I thought my staff would be quite pleased about the anecdote; if nothing else it shows an impressive amount of creativity and initiative-taking, since as you well know, Mr. Diary, there were few other opportunities for a young American man in the 1960s to put on a uniform.