The Chronicles of Mitt: July 10, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Over the weekend I attended a fundraiser in the Hamptons. It was strictly for units of great wealth, or as I call them, my base, ha ha. (The last Republican president came up with that line. Or maybe it was the one before that? No, perhaps the one before that. I think it certainly applies more to me more than any of the rest of them, however.)

The discussions there were quite informative. Of prime concern to the wealth units was the difficulty of explaining to the commoner class that despite commoner insistence to the contrary, commoners are being severely harmed by the actions of this president, and so we need to return to the policies of the president before that one. Those were halcyon days, were they not? Yes, there was some difficulty with the economy, but it hardly dented the people who truly matter. Yes, there was a severe decline in the markets, but it was easily ridden out by any unit of extraordinary wealth, and the bonuses to units of impressive but not extraordinary wealth continued with almost no notable exceptions.

One female wealth unit was especially vocal on this point. She mentioned that among the lower class units she occasionally is forced to interact with, such as manicurists, pet grooming professionals and the cleaning staff, there was universally very little knowledge of just how cruel and harmful the current president is. He has threatened, albeit unsuccessfully, to reduce the generous tax cuts given in the last decade to units of great wealth. He has crassly suggested altering the depreciation schedule for private aircraft. He wishes to hobble the spiritual richness of investment banking with regulations against doing certain things, simply because they have been proven to have sometimes-catastrophic consequences. Do commoner units truly care about none of these things?

If that is the case, I am unsure as how to reach them. Fortunately, I do not have to. The job of reaching the commoner class is a task best left to Karl Rove and the rest of the Super-PAC units; all I need deal with on a daily basis are the wealth units, with token excursions into the lands of the commoners so as to improve their ability to recognize me.

Speaking of which, tomorrow I shall be speaking to the NAACP. I believe it is Herman Cain's group? Nevertheless, there will apparently be commoner units present, so I shall have to practice my skills once again. Eric F. has made a point of saying that I am absolutely not to deviate from my teleprompter-scripted remarks on this one. He was quite insistent on the point. I am sure, however, that I will do well. The National Association for the Advancement of Corporate People sounds like a very pleasant and receptive audience, and I am at least sure that they will understand the importance of reducing taxes and corporate regulations. I am looking forward to it.