Catholic bishops preparing to throw themselves pity party for freedomz 'n stuff

Do you love Jesus? Do you hate vaginas? Do you think pedophiles get a raw deal? Then boy oh boy does the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops have something special for you:

The fourteen days from June 21'the vigil of the Feasts of St. John Fisher and St. Thomas More'to July 4, Independence Day, are dedicated to this 'fortnight for freedom''a great hymn of prayer for our country. Our liturgical calendar celebrates a series of great martyrs who remained faithful in the face of persecution by political power'St. John Fisher and St. Thomas More, St. John the Baptist, SS. Peter and Paul, and the First Martyrs of the Church of Rome.  Culminating on Independence Day, this special period of prayer, study, catechesis, and public action will emphasize both our Christian and American heritage of liberty. Dioceses and parishes around the country have scheduled special events that support a great national campaign of teaching and witness for religious liberty.

Isn't it lucky that the liturgical calendar just happens to coincide perfectly with the celebration of Independence Day? It's a miracle!

The bishops have been forced to hold this Fortnight of Freedomz & Whining because for the first time ever, the sitting president of the United States implemented a new policy that does not please the bishops, and we certainly can't have that, since it obviously violates the bishops' freedom to veto any and all laws and policies they don't like. But they've found a way to turn their frown upside down and take this opportunity to celebrate all of the "great martyrs who remained faithful in the face of persecution by political power," especially Cardinal Dolan, president of the Conference of Catholic Bishops, the greatest persecuted martyr ever.

The bishops have a number of exciting events planned, town halls to discuss why Jesus cries when gay couples adopt children, guest appearances by forced-birth activists and a trivia night. No word yet on whether the first place winner will receive a $20,000 prize, or whether that's just for priests who rape and molest children.

The bishops are so excited, they've even written a special "Prayer for the Protection of Religious Liberty," which includes this especially moving stanza:

We ask you to bless us
in our vigilance for the gift of religious liberty.
Give us the strength of mind and heart
to readily defend our freedoms when they are threatened;
give us courage in making our voices heard
on behalf of the rights of your Church
and the freedom of conscience of all people of faith.

Of course, as the bishops have already made clear, should God choose to ignore them and let them fend for themselves on that whole liberty and freedomz front, there's always litigation.

If you love freedom and hate gays and women, this is one fortnight you won't want to miss.