Hello, Human Diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better. The holiday was quite satisfactory, Mr. Diary. I had something called lemon aid, which is yet another demonstration that the private sector can provide people with medical aid, financial aid, and other kinds of aid without government interference. My initial opinion is that it was lemon, and wet, and good.
In campaign news, my staff has begun planning a new strategy to best elucidate my foreign policy opinions to the general public. Since I was not aware I had any foreign policy opinions, this is both a very simple task and a rather difficult one. The current plan is for me to simply visit some countries that I am expected to have foreign policy opinions on, then state that I have some unspecified opinions about them. Our initial choices for foreign places to visit:
London, for the Olympics. This was an easy decision, because I know many people who do sport, and have had past experience supervising people who do sport. I will no doubt be in my element. As a plus, I will also be able to visit with my horse, who is in sport, and charge the whole thing as a campaign expense.
Israel. It is a requirement that all conservative politicians visit Israel, whether they are in a position to influence Israel-related policy or not. I am not entirely sure how this came to be, but is now a requirement. I believe at this point more Republican candidates have visited Israel than have visited California.
Germany, because I like money, and Germany seems to be the only remaining place in Europe that has any.
Poland. During one of the few instances in which I met the previous Republican presidential unit, he gave me one bit of advice that I have always remembered. "Don't forget Poland," he said'then my exceedingly nervous staff forcibly grabbed me and led me away. Not forgetting Poland will be, in some small way, my tribute to that fellow. I also recall a previous national candidate making quite a bit of news when they noted that they could see Russia from their house; I hear you can see Russia from Poland, so that counts as at least double the foreign policy experience when compared to the other places. It will also provide a satisfactory location for announcing that I do not like Russia, which is another requirement imposed upon all conservative campaigns. In some ways, it is a shame. We in America have been striving to build a large, forbidding wall on our southern border, and Russia is the country with the most practical recent experiences in building large, forbidding border walls. There is no doubt many things we could have learned from them.
That should be sufficient foreign policy experience, I think. When I was in charge of the Olympics in Utah, I visited the Olympic Village there, so that already ought to count for quite a bit of foreign policy knowledge, but it is always safe to add a little more. As it turns out, most foreign nations are unsuitable for political visitation purposes. We have tentatively eliminated France, because France is no longer as popular with conservatives as it was during the time of my youth, and we have nixed Afghanistan because it has come to my attention that Afghanistan has very few if any luxury hotels.
Sadly, my suggestions of perhaps visiting some of my own money in Switzerland or the Caymans during the trip were met only with a conspicuous silence, even after I pointed out that visiting those locations would no doubt count as boosting my economic policy credentials. Perhaps in the future there will be an offshore bank account Olympics, in which the portfolios of the world's most wealthy tycoon units all compete together, and I shall be able to visit my holdings there. If I become president I think I shall suggest that.
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