Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better. Today has been a hectic and confusing day, Mr. Diary. Today we engaged in so many dramatic campaign battles that it reminded me of my days in Vietnam, if I had gone there, which I did not.
Our plan today was for me to speak in front of the offices of the failed Solyndra. I enjoy speaking in front of the buildings of closed companies, and so I have tried to do it often this campaign; it makes me feel at home. My campaign knew, however, that if the president were to get wind of how I was going to be speaking in front of a factory that we have declared the root of all economic evil, he would do everything in his power to stop it from happening. For this reason, we kept our visit secret. I arrived in town saying I had to use the bathroom, and that the current town had the only bathroom I felt to be the right height. Then I secured myself in the trunk of a campaign car, provided with only a juice box for sustenance. The podium we had procured for the occasion was also in the trunk with me: I dare say my staff could have put it into a separate car, if they had been thinking clearly.
Success! We arrived at the closed company without being detected by the many security forces of the president. I was able to give my short speech blaming the company for being the root of all economic evil (as they were a solar energy company, this was hardly a stretch, as the solar energy companies have been using their tremendous economic and government might to bully my friends in the oil and coal industries). Then we quickly left again, before the drones could spot us. Take that, Mr. President! Truly, we have bested you. That said, I am not clear on why I also had to ride in the same car trunk on the way back, but my advisers were insistent.
This was not the only perilous task my campaign was to undertake this fine day. Knowing that the presidential unit would likely send all his forces against me if he knew I was going to be giving a speech in front of a closed company that was the root of all economic evil, we had planned a diversionary strike. Back in that other state whose name I can never remember, members of his campaign were attempting to draw attention to my previous record as a state governor. This, as I am sure you will agree, Mr. Diary, was an abominable act. I have made it quite clear that no one is to mention my past record in government, and to have that declaration so egregiously ignored: No, we could not let that stand.
We therefore dispatched a team of staffers to the event in order to shout at them quite rudely, thus showing them who is boss. Upon the suggestion of one particularly crafty staffer, we instructed the staff to attempt to blow bubbles during the event. Our reasoning was simple, but brilliant. Humans like shiny things, so all that would be needed to end all forbidden talk of my record as a state governor was to show them shiny things during the offending presentation. At first we were merely going to jingle keys in front of the audience, entrancing them, but the bubble idea was instantly recognized as superior, as there was the additional possibility that the opposing speakers would get bubble juice in their eyes, thus disabling them.
As final touch, we instructed our staff to declare that the reason for our staff doing these things is that our opponent's campaign had done them first. This was not strictly true, but we have found most reporter units to be of exceedingly low intellectual height. I also have no doubt that if the president had discovered I was going to give a speech in front of a closed company that was the root of all economic evil today, he would have assuredly sent individuals to blow bubbles at me, thus requiring me to take these actions first. As explained to me by my ex-Bush advisers, this is known as a "preemptive" engagement, and is considered the height of something they refer to as "strategery." They are quite clever people, although they often tend to be a little too insulting to France for my tastes. I look forward to firing several of them.
Unfortunately, not all battles went in our favor today. I learned from my staff that the newest ad by Karl Rove, an ally, mentioned the wrong closed company when attacking closed companies on my behalf. He meant to attack a closed company supported by my opponent; instead, the advertisement incorrectly attacked a closed company that I myself had supported. This was tremendously awkward, and is yet another example of the undue burden placed on my campaign by the artificial wall between myself and my allied Super PAC units.
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