The Chronicles of Mitt: June 8, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

There is not much to report today, as I have been mostly engaged in further practice sessions as to how I can better be as generic as possible when addressing issues of the day. I am doing quite well in these sessions. For example, my economic policy can now be summarized by saying: America is the best nation in the world. My foreign policy is roughly that same sentence. My coaches have spent much emphasis on stripping away unnecessary explanation as to specifics, such as what legal constructs might or might not qualify as human, or what plan I might have and how it is different from other plans.

The rules are still somewhat confusing. I am to say nothing committal about, for example, unemployment-related policies. On the other hand, I am still encouraged to react with extreme positivity towards whatever local foodstuffs or sporting practices any given state might have to offer. I have a large staff dedicated towards what my opinions on various policy matters might be, but at the same time I am under strict instruction to mention those policies as sparingly as possible; I am beginning to wonder if my advisers are doing any actual work at all, or merely freeloaders who have attached themselves to my campaign for resume purposes.

In other news, I have obtained a tentative endorsement from the senate offspring of that Ron Paul fellow that so enlivened our primary debates. While the brat still says he prefers his father, presumably not understanding that I have far more money than his father could ever hope to obtain, he says he would settle for me as a second choice. I believe this is another attempt to convince my staff of his potential value as a vice presidential candidate, but I must say he is going to have to do considerably better than that. Still, Eric F. says that he is a favorite of the tea party crowd, which may necessitate some reciprocal complementary statements from us towards him. I suppose the twerp is of a reasonable height.

In conclusion, I would like to say that America is the best nation in the world, and that my position on unemployment is that jobs are satisfactory things, and that certain states can go right to hell for not having properly sized trees. See, Mr. Diary? I am rapidly improving my generic political banter! Now I must go, as Eric F. seems to urgently want to speak to me about something.