The Chronicles of Mitt: June 21, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Yesterday the boys were on the Conan show. I did not watch it, but my appreciation for Conan is no secret, which is why I encouraged the boys to attend. I believe Conan is one of the individuals that best exemplify my approach to business and government. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their accountants is truly satisfactory! I also enjoy the part where Conan promises to kill one person last, then does not kill him last. It seems quite obvious why he was made governor of California.

The boys told me afterwards that they told Conan about some of the many pranks I enjoyed playing on them when they were younger, such as shoving their faces into food products. I hope Conan felt it sufficiently humorous.

Reporters have been asking many questions as to whether my campaign has been instructing Republican governors to assert that their state economies are at a lower height than they actually are. I do not see the controversy. It seems a legitimate campaign tactic to have Republican governors declare that their states are, in fact, crappy. In this manner I can campaign on making their states less crappy; the crappier their states are to begin with, the more impressive this promise will seem. I also have pointed out to several of them that I have spent significant time in their states, and can indeed verify that they are of poor quality. Poor quality foodstuffs, poorly dimensioned trees, and individuals at sporting events wearing garbage bags as raincoats'merely setting foot in some of them has been an unpleasant experience. They should be more honest about the repulsiveness of their states, thus encouraging their residents to do better.

Tomorrow I am off for a weekend of relaxation with a hundred or so wealth units that have contributed to my campaign. Finally, an atmosphere that is more satisfactory. There will even be sports team owners there, although I do not expect we will engage in much sport ourselves. There will also be several potential vice presidential units in attendance. This will be a good opportunity to observe them from a close distance, and to determine which of them carries the most money in his pockets.

I do miss my new friend, Mr. Bus, but I have been assured that he will occupy the time by touring political rallies organized by my opponent, honking severely at each one in order to let them know who is boss. Farewell for now, friend. There will always be an elevator in my heart for you.