The Chronicles of Mitt: June 1, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.

I have been thinking much today about the old days, before my current human opponent won the presidency. Ah, those were the days. After much effort, my Republican predecessor had finally achieved success. The economy had been cut to the right height. The captains of my own industry were benefitting both from new taxes that were the right height and government programs to provide their companies with free monies to replace any monies they had accidentally misplaced. Firings, a particular favorite of mine, were commonplace. I used to sit in my car outside closing companies and smile happily, counting the departing workers as they filed past. (I often pretended I had fired them myself, Mr. Diary. I have not been able to fire nearly as many humans as I once did, now that I am in politics.)

It was not until 2009 that things began to go sour again. Within six months the firings had begun to go down. There was talk (vanquished, thankfully), of making taxes upon many of my comrades'some of whom own sporting teams of various natures'incorrect heights once again. A plot was hatched within the confines of the government to lower the rate of firings even further; make no mistake, Mr. Diary, the whole thing was deliberate. We had finally achieved a labor force that was of the right height, a deficit that was of the right height, and even had procured two ancillary countries on which to perform further experiments in making things the right height, only to see the trend cruelly reversed. No, 2007 and 2008 were fine years. It was in 2009 that things began to turn foul again.

I believe I was thinking of these times as a result of viewing coverage of my Republican predecessor celebrate the great honor of having his commissioned portrait unveiled at my likely future home, the White House. I had honestly forgotten the fellow had existed. It often seems like all of human history began in the year 2009. I have to remind myself that I was previously governor of a state, and that the current presidential unit was preceded by previous presidential units. I often envy my old competitor and current shoe boy, Newt Gingrich, who is a historian of some kind. He is able to remember a wide variety of years.

Nonetheless, I am now re-energized. Remembering those fine days of the last Republican presidency have given me a new focus towards assisting the nation in returning to them. I am not certain if I will be able to accomplish reducing or increasing the height of things quite as dramatically as that fellow was able to, but I have collected many of his assistant units from that time, and have instructed them to teach me all they know.