The Chronicles of Mitt: July 3, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am feeling a bit better today. Upon reflection, the actions of the Supreme Court have not really altered my campaign requirements as substantially as I had originally thought. Before the ruling, my campaign strategy was to generically state my opposition to my opponent's health care platform while saying little of substance; after the ruling, I must merely redouble my efforts to state my opposition to my opponent's health care platform while saying little of substance.

We emerged from yesterday's discussions with a tentative campaign plan, which was to pretend the entire topic no longer exists. If someone happened to mention health care debate, I was instructed to say, "What is that? I have never heard of such a thing" and then run away as rapidly as dignity might allow. We have since changed our minds on that stance, which is unusual for us; our campaign is well known for never changing our minds about things. We now think that the old approach of generalized, abstract phrasing is best, in large part because I am not very good at running.

So let me be clear, Mr. Diary. I am very proud of the health care law I enacted in Massachusetts, and if elected I promise to let no one else in America have a law like that one. I will definitely work to protect America from that abominable law, because while I am very proud of it and rate it as one of my best accomplishments, I now recognize that it is bad and wrong. Except in Massachusetts.

Was that convincing, Mr. Diary? It will take yet more practice, I think.

In other news, Rupert Murdoch seems to be extremely angry with me because my immigration stance is too harsh. This comes after a primary campaign in which my immigration stances were perceived as not harsh enough. These people seem to be getting more difficult to deal with on a daily basis. Expressing acceptable opinions to voting units is by far the most tiring and irritating part of the entire elections process. I can only hope future Supreme Court decisions help alleviate the ridiculous influence of voters in our national elections, thus streamlining the democratic process considerably. After this last debacle, Mr. Roberts certainly owes us at least that much.