The Chronicles of Mitt: July 12, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

The press units are in a fevered state today over issues involving Bain Capital, my old company, and specifically whether I ceased my occupations there in 1999, as I have stated, or in later years, as my SEC filings have stated. I believe their confusion arises because they do not understand how business operates. SEC filings are not legally binding things; they are more like yearbook signatures to be given to the government. Hello, government, how are you, this was a fine year, was it not hilarious when I gave that fellow a haircut that one time, and so forth. It is a good opportunity to remind the government that you are a successful unit of wealth, but not so successful that you ought to be taxed for it'that sort of thing. None of it is of actual legal significance. If these reporters were successful investor units, they would understand it better.

Today I am traveling to the Wyoming home of previous vice presidential unit Richard "Dick" Cheney. We will be engaging in yet another fundraiser aimed at gathering the contributions of other units of great wealth. As with my recent trip to the NAACP, this event seems to require stricter behavior on my part than would normally be the case, though for different reasons. Apparently the former vice president is a greatly irritable unit, and an aficionado of torture, extradition and firing shotguns into the faces of his acquaintances. The descriptions of him make him sound so ominous that I had to ask my staff whether or not he was perhaps on bath salts.

Among my instructions: Do not make any sudden movements. Do not mention anything regarding Richard Nixon. Always announce yourself when entering a room, and avoid lingering in the former vice president's many blind spots. Other than that, it is to be a standard fundraiser, but I confess the presumed dangers do add an unusual sense of tension. In the end, however, I suspect it will be no more eventful than my Hamptons trip, although if the former vice president insists on also going on about how his nail salon ladies do not understand presidential politics, I may have to excuse myself early.