Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better. Today brings news that once again, I have raised more money than my opponent. While there is nothing unusual about this (remind me to tell you at some point, Mr. Diary, of the time I made Ted Kennedy mortgage his house during an election'it is a humorous story) I must say that it continues to be quite satisfying.
I have often heard my fellow humans opine that it takes money to make money. This is true enough, but I think it more accurate to say that money likes to congregate with other money. The reason my campaigns never have any difficulty collecting money is that the owners of large sums of money know that I already have large sums of money, therefore their own money will still be quite comfortable with me. This is not at all the same thing as a wealthy person giving money to a poorer individual. As any witness to an encounter like that can attest, the wealthy individual will be very, very concerned as to whether their money will have a good home in the wallet of the commoner unit, even to the point of breaking out in a cold sweat when handing it over'no, it is much easier for a true lover of money to part with it if they know it is going to remain in the good company of other money.
I have very defined theories as to what money does and does not like, Mr. Diary, that I will perhaps expound upon at a later date. It is obvious that money gets lonely when in small quantities, and strongly prefers the company of like-minded or larger sums of money. It thus tends to shift itself from poorer individuals to richer ones quite rapidly if not blocked by cruel government policies preventing such things. Money is very shy, and will try to hide itself (perhaps, say, in other countries) if it senses tax regulation nearby. Money likes to create jobs, primarily in the sector of the economy dedicated to guarding and pampering itself. Other human units may be experts on foreign policy, or on energy matters, or on matters of law or the like, but my own expertise is in the various moods and preferences of money. I have based each of my various careers and each one of my own current policy prescriptions based on this knowledge; indeed, most of my campaign has been an effort to get this nation to more properly consider how deeply they can hurt the feelings of money, through current policies, and how best to reform those policies in the future.
I have often proposed to my various acquaintances, especially the sports-team owners, that we form a new advocacy group, Wealthy Americans for the Ethical Treatment of Money, dedicated to stamping out this nation's prejudiced regulations regarding large piles of money. So far I have been able to garner little interest, as most of those individuals have stated that they are already involved in many advocacy groups that do much the same thing, and probably could not devote proper time to another. This is too bad, but I see their point.
Alas, Mr. Diary. I still fondly recall my days at Bain Capital. There, our primary focus was to liberate money from companies and their workers in order to more properly allocate that money into larger piles, which we then protected ourselves in order to best ensure their safety. My newest job is not much different, but I am not sure I am fully used to the considerably more roundabout ways those same things are accomplished.
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