The Chronicles of Mitt: June 6, 2012

  Hello again, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

My apologies for not putting words into you these last few days, Mr. Diary. As it turns out, I have been astonishingly busy. This election has proven to be rather more work than I had previously anticipated, and seems to get worse by the day.

Having an opinion on the events in Wisconsin has proven very taxing. This is primarily because I was not fully certain what my opinion would be until after the results were known; now that the results are known, I can say with confidence that I am fully for that thing that was decided, and I congratulate my good friend Scoot Walken for his role in that thing. The state of Wisconsin may have conspicuously flawed average tree height, but I still approve of them and of Scoot in the most generic way possible. I hear they like cheese there. I believe I also like cheese. We are much alike!

Whatever the case, I am especially satisfied with these Wisconsin results because they have national implications for my campaign. In specific, these results demonstrate that driving trailer trucks full of money into a state can, indeed, still achieve satisfactory electoral results. This is a definite relief to me, as my entire campaign strategy has revolved around the strategic placement of enormous amounts of money, and there has been recent controversy as to the possible efficacy of that approach. If the quantities of money that had been utilized in Wisconsin had not had as advantageous an effect as expected, things would have been very dire indeed.

So fear not, dear money: Your voice will definitely still be heard. I have always vowed that I would not want to live in a nation that did not treat each hundred dollar bill as a special little snowflake, easily the political and rhetorical equal of any fleshy human, but there happily seems no hint of danger that these money-Americans will be silenced in the near future.

I have also been quite busy in retooling my campaign speeches and literature in order to better reflect the requirements of the general election. I have had to spend some time supervising an ever-expanding staff of humans that we have engaged in order to tell me what my current opinions are, and how best to avoid discussing those opinions. It has come to our attention that many of our campaign talking points could be made far more generic: I feel especially sheepish about this, Mr. Diary, as I have taken great pride in my own abilities with regards to stating things as generically as possible. Alas, it seems the primaries had the unfortunate effect of letting a few less generic opinions slide into our campaign rhetoric; we intend to purge these slightly specific elements as quickly as possible.

That is all for now, Mr. Diary. Generically yours,
Mitt