GOP Madness, 2012, Round 1, Match 8

Without giving away too much, I'll just say that there are no more Michele Bachmann candidacies in this tournament. So with both of her entries having lost, we won't be seeing her in the second round ... much like her real-world performance.

A moment of silence, please.

The bracket thus far is here. Today's contestants:

1. NEWT GINGRICH'S MOON BASE!

Newt Gingrich had put a damper on Mitt Romney's inevitability strategy by winning the South Carolina primary in mid-January. If he could win the next contest a bit to the south in Florida, he might have a real shot at the nomination. So what does Gingrich do to try and win that Florida vote? He talks about moon bases.

[A]t one point early in my career I introduced the Northwest Ordinance for Space, and I said when we get ' I think the number was 13,000 ' when we have 13,000 Americans living on the Moon they can petition to become a state [...]

I will as President encourage the introduction for the Northwest Ordinance for Space to put a marker down that we want Americans to think boldly about the future and we want Americans to go out and study hard and work hard, and together we are going to unleash the American people to rebuild the country we love.

By the end of my second term we will have the first permanent base on the Moon, and it will be American.

However cool a moon base might be, fact is that Gingrich is a Republican. You know, the party that is anti-science, anti-government spending and anti-education. Coming from a Democrat, such a goal might appear laudable if overly optimistic (or unrealistic) given our current fiscal situation. But from a Republican, that Florida pander got all the scorn it deserved.

But wait! There's a punchline. From the same speech:

I want you to help me both in Florida and across the country so that you can someday say you were here the day it was announced that of course we'd have commercial space in near-space, that of course  we'd have a manned colony on the Moon that flew an American flag, and of course we'd be moving towards Mars by the end of the next decade.

Indeed, where were you on Sept. 25, 2011, when Gingrich's pomposity expanded to astronomical size? I was on YouTube, furiously digging up this clip:

2. RICK SANTORUM TELLS PUERTO RICANS TO SPEAK AMERICAN

Rick Santorum "campaigns" in Puerto Rico Rick Santorum is coming off a gangbuster week, having won primaries in Alabama and Mississippi, and a caucus in Kansas. There is just one state ahead on the calendar, Illinois. The polling shows him behind, but if he can close the gap and win the state, well, that could be the knockout blow he needs against Romney. So does he get his ass to Illinois and camp out in the state the full week? Nope. He decides to play in an irrelevant weekend primary in Puerto Rico. (A fair amount of delegates, sure, but no momentum value.) Since he is Catholic, he figures, he'll win the Catholic island.

As Santorum headed down to Puerto Rico, I joked:

How much will GOP candidates talk about English as the Official Language while campaigning in Puerto Rico?
' @markos

One day later, I went from comedian to psychic.

"Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law," Santorum said. "And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language."

Of course, there's no Constitutional requirement that English be a principal language.

While Santorum said it was not the role of the president to advocate for Puerto Rico's statehood, he said, 'To me, it doesn't make any sense to be in America and not want to be a state and have full rights as a United States citizen.'

Puerto Ricans are United States citizens.

Turns out insulting the voters isn't a sound political strategy. Santorum lost 83-8, lost his momentum, and lost critical time in Illinois, where Mitt Romney spent his time wisely.