The Chronicles of Mitt: Aug 8, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt, your better.

Our campaign suffered a major gaffe today. This is almost unthinkable, since both my campaign and myself have been known for our astonishingly gaffe-free behavior to date, but I suppose it was bound to happen.

Supporters of my opponent had released an ad in which one of the countless people my investment company fired (I have many anecdotes related to firing people, most of them humorous, but now is not the time) noted that he had lost his health insurance after being fired, and soon afterwards lost his wife to cancer. My press secretary, whom I have not yet fired, responded by noting that if that person and his wife had lived in Massachusetts, he would have still had health insurance because of the law I signed as governor intended to help families such as that.

This is quite a blow. Our base does not react well to suggestions that people with cancer ought to receive treatment regardless of their employment status, and the implication that that law I signed in Massachusetts may have actually helped someone in such a situation, even theoretically, could be a fatal error if not dealt with immediately. Our full staff has assembled in order to determine how best to recover.

While various suggestions have been made, such as coming out with a strong pro-cancer statement or vowing to use my own business connections and expertise to spread as much cancer as possible, the consensus is that I must at least condemn the notion that people with cancer should receive treatment if they do not live in Massachusetts, and that I need to make it clear that treating people who have cancer is a choice best left to the states, as not all states will wish to treat people who have cancer, and that if elected I will ensure that as few people with cancer as possible receive health care, regardless of locale or employment. I have directed the staff to craft language to that effect.

I am despondent, Mr. Diary. Things were going so well, and heaven knows I have tried at every juncture in my own business career to provide as little help to commoner units as possible'only now to be accused of providing substantive assistance to sick people. I believe my press secretary knows the severity of her error. My only hesitation as to firing her is the thought that she would probably get better health insurance working for another employer, and that seems too much reward to give someone who has botched things so badly.