Republican National Convention Schedule, Day 3: We Can Change 'It'

Welcome to the third day of the Republican National Convention. Today's theme is the rather generic and unambitious sounding "We Can Change It." What's "It"? Is it the same thing we built yesterday? Is it the policy positions of the current Republican nominee? Is it the amount of money fabulously wealthy Americans have to contribute to their government? It's that last one, right?

From the convention coverage so far (helpfully provided primarily not by the networks, but by C-SPAN, which is yet another convention presence which does not easily lend itself to the We Built That choir readings that peppered every bit of yesterday's convention agenda) it seems that there are three definite contingents present on the Republican convention floor. There's the old white people'tons and tons of those. Then there's the long-haired blond women contingent'think Ann Coulter in group form, notable primarily because the convention cameras seem to be under contract to pan to one of them every two to four minutes. Finally, to round things out, scattered here and there are the Conspicuously Overdressed Young Men, people who look too much young to be Republicans but whose suits seem a required uniform element, an external signal that vouches for the required level of emotional stuffiness.

That's it. That's 95% of all convention goers, it seems. Oh, and there's the Ron Paul contingent (quite possibly overrepresented by the Conspicuously Overdressed Young Men), but it seems we are legally obliged to pretend that they do not exist: during the roll call of the states, yesterday, only votes for Mitt Romney were even acknowledged at the podium. Delegate votes for "other", including he who must not be named, were quite neatly ignored. Ah, democracy.

In any event, yesterday the delegates were treated to various speeches easing into the whole idea of Mitt Romney now being their Rominee. Capping things off were Ann Romney, who was there to make the case that she was likable, and she thought Mitt was likable, therefore by the transitive property America should consider Mitt likable, and Chris Christie, who was there to make the case that once Mitt crashes in spectacular fashion during this election, Republicans should consider Chris Christie to be the obvious choice next time around. Today the delegates will all be very hung over, so the post-Mitt Walk of Shame will not begin until 7:00pm ET, giving all participants most of the day to collect themselves and try to remember what economic something-something they will be pretending to believe in today. A hint for those poor souls: Paul Ryan will be closing things off tonight, so plan your voodoo budget suppositions accordingly.

Some highlights, starting at 7pm:

• After the PledgeAnthemInvocation, we will begin with a video acknowledging the existence of Ron Paul. I'm guessing the "video" part is because videotape can never go off-script. Not all is lost for Paulites, though, as Ron Paul's senatorial spawn Rand will be speaking soon afterwards. I'm sure he'll at least give a nod to his old man.
• A few speakers later, we will be treated to the oratorical stylings of Sen. John McCain. Sen. McCain will tell us that as a wealthy man who owns multiple houses and really wanted to be president, he has a very good feeling about this other extremely wealthy man who owns multiple houses and really wants to be president. I think John McCain might count as Mitt Romney's 'base'. To prepare for the event, Sen. McCain has undergone surgery in an effort to correct the perpetual snarl that has plagued him for the last three years, ten months. His doctors, however, are not optimistic. McCain handily kicked Romney's ass four years ago, so he's probably not feeling too inclined to suck up to him now.
• The evening will progress with remarks from Sen. John Thune and Sen. Rob Portman. Yesterday was apparently everyone-who-is-a-governor-gets-to-speak day, today we're jumping to the Senate. Relying on members of the most obstructionist segment of the most glacial American political institution to deliver a message of "change" seems a bit of an odd choice, but nobody said any of this had to make sense.
• Nope, I lied: the governors are back. A surprising emphasis on Puerto Rico will be capped by remarks from Puerto Rico Gov. Luis Fortuño, then Tim Pawlenty. Then President George W. Bush will address the convention via videotape, for the same stick-to-the-script reasons as Ron Paul. So there you go, there's your George W. Bush fix for the convention. Just like old times, eh?
• Next up, Mike Huckabee, who was not booted from the lineup for supporting Todd Akin and that crazy anti-science stuff he said. Apparently convention planners calmed themselves down after realizing that nobody else in their party knows a thing about female reproductive anatomy either, so they weren't really in a position to throw stones on that one.
• Next, Condoleezza Rice. Condoleezza Rice is one of the few things about the Bush presidency Republicans did not end up totally humiliated by, so here she is.
• Almost done now, as Gov. Susana Martinez introduces a video of Paul Ryan's family. Like Marco Rubio, Martinez was briefly in danger of losing her slot when Republicans, desperately trying to find television time for Ann Romney, seemed to gravitate towards the few Latino names in the party when coming up with who ought to give Ann their spot. If the schedule is any indication, however, she survives. Then, after the Ryan family video, the main event. The man, the legend, the Ayn Rand nut: Paul Ryan. At this point, approximately two dozen news pundits will simultaneously reach climax just imagining how dreamy and fiscally serious and super, super dreamy Paul Ryan is. Then Ryan will give a pointless, hopelessly generic speech with few numbers and no actual plan, upon which the television coverage of the evening's events will end with a closing benediction that we won't be able to actually hear because the networks will have already cut to various people like George Will gushing about the wisdom of whatever crap we just heard from Mini-Mitt. The end.

Things should go better for the Republicans tonight than they did yesterday. There are only a few hours to fill, the Paulites have been disposed of, and it is extremely unlikely that Paul Ryan will devote the entirety of his keynote speech to discussing how wonderful Chris Christie is. No, Paul Ryan will talk about Paul Ryan. I'm not sure how much mention Mitt himself will get, during tonight's festivities, but if yesterday's prime time lineup was any indication the only love he'll be getting from this room is if he puts another member of his immediate family up there.