The Chronicles of Mitt: July 23, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Life on the campaign trail has settled into a dull routine. Meet with fundraisers; give my predetermined speeches to those fundraisers; receive briefings on where the next fundraisers will be. Even selecting a vice presidential unit has become tedious, as we have concluded that the remaining candidates are largely interchangeable entities, and that we could probably make the final determination based on a series of flips of a Mercury silver dime. (That is my favorite of all the silver dimes, because that fellow has wings on his ears, which is quite uproarious. It makes me chuckle just thinking about it.)

Today I met with executives for several defense contractors, commiserating with them about how offensive it was for my opponent to suggest that the government played a role in their businesses. We all agreed that government really ought to have no role in business, except for purchasing provisions, providing grants, granting subsidies and subsidizing purchases. I told them that as a unit of great wealth myself I understood their predicament thoroughly, and that if they were to elect me president I would see to it that government played a much larger role in their businesses, but only in the aforementioned manners.

I will soon be rolling out my official foreign policy positions. I have instructed my staff to produce them as rapidly as possible, or to at least give me fair warning as to what they might be. I met one of the units we have rented from the previous administration in order to determine our foreign policy; I must confess, Mr. Diary, that the fellow makes me nervous. He gives one the impression of a very angry walrus, perhaps one who once had a fish stolen from them and who has ever since engaged themselves in a decades-long campaign to avenge the deed, possibly via the use of nuclear weaponry. I asked him if he liked watersport, but he said no, which is a shame.

On Tuesday I will depart for a tour of several foreign nations. I am especially looking forward to my stay in England, where I will meet with both the prime minister and my horse.