The Chronicles of Mitt: June 14, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today my campaign unveiled my new economic plan, which is to drive large buses around the country, honking our horns at anyone who attempts to disagree with my economic plan. We are still unsure about the scalability of such acts when put into nationwide practice (note to self: inquire as to total number of buses that might be available, presuming we were to close schools nationally and requisition those buses for the task), but our test today seemed to achieve satisfactory results, in that we managed to harass and annoy a small number of my opponent's supporters, which ought to make them think twice about supporting the fellow.

Like many of our recent campaign enhancements, I first thought of this plan while thinking back on my old days at Cranbrook. When attempting to gain the trust of commoner units, I have found that belittling them works best, followed by heckling or other disruptive activities, followed by acts of humorous violence if necessary. Blowing bubbles and vuvuzelas at our opponents was a good start, but lacked the additional benefits of mobility and extreme fuel inefficiency. Delegating buses towards the task solves both problems. (My original idea was to simply use the buses to run down any Americans who did not support me, but Eric F. was concerned over the felony implications of such acts. Mark it up as yet another way in which this Obama fellow is ruining America, Mr. Diary.)

Personally, I am relieved that the campaign has now settled back into a more predicable routine, and very happy when thinking about the possibilities made available by this wonderful multipersoned vehicle. There was a brief moment after the resolution of the primaries when it looked like we were going to have to discuss proposals and issues in slightly greater detail; now we are back in the more familiar position of simply attacking the opponent, whoever it may be. I like to think of the campaign bus as my own little diesel-powered SuperPAC: Fill it with a little gas, pretend you do not know where it is headed, and watch as it arrives at the opposing camp, honking loudly at supporters and passersby until they all become either dispirited by the noise or nauseated by the fumes. Is that not the truest expression of our great democratic process?