The Chronicles of Mitt: Nov 3, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

It is the closing days of the campaign. I have been contemplating many things, of late, and have been remembering all of the fine humans I have met during this long, long process.

There was that woman from that state, the one who owned a business of some sort. And the farmer who lived in a toroidal house, and who during the recent drought was forced to subsist almost entirely on the earnings from his convention center. There was the coal mine owner who shut down his mine for the day so that I would be able to have a photographic opportunity on stage with some of his mining equipment. There was Donald Trump, who always had a certain smell to him, and the people with the disappointing baked goods, and the people who sought shelter from the rain by wearing large garbage bags. There was my vice presidential unit, who I continue to occasionally meet with every once in a while. Also, Newt Gingrich.

It is difficult to say whether or not I will win this election. I have tried my best to state that my policies would indeed help commoners, and have even on occasion hypothesized as to what those policies might be. I have made fun of the ocean, and have praised many foodstuffs. I am the right height. And I have brought together all the wealth units in this great nation of ours, who are unanimous in their opinions that they each ought to pay substantially less taxes, and that the businesses they own or own large amounts of stock in should also pay substantially less taxes, and that I, personally, should pay less in taxes.

I do not think my opponent truly understands all of these various humans that I have met. I know he does not, because if he did he would understand that, since I have more money than he does, he should have already conceded to me. Nevertheless, I remain confident that, if I do win this election, I shall be able to work together with all of these wealth units and commoner units, whether they be from my party or the other party, whether they be in states with correctly sized trees or incorrectly sized tries, in order to ensure that we all come together for that higher goal, that most basic foundational principle of this great nation, which is that wealthy people ought to pay substantially less in taxes.

I shall not back down in these closing days, and I remain resolute that I shall not express opinions on any of these things if anyone asks about them.