Republicans in disarray on just about everything'except screwing over America

Today's Republican Party Republicans don't even know who they are anymore. Should they attend sensitivity training to learn how to stop saying stupid things about minorities and women and rape'or just say "screw it" and figure out how to get better at rigging elections? Should they become more conservative or even more conservative than that? After the "shellshocking" results of the 2012 election, Republicans just don't know which way is up anymore and are having themselves a full-blown identity crisis.

That's why they know they have to hold the line on their one remaining principle' screwing over most of America to preserve tax cuts for the rich and the Pentagon's endless supply of blank checks:

Four months after Mr. Obama won a second term, the only issue that truly unites Republicans is a commitment to shrinking the federal government through spending cuts, low taxes and less regulation. To have compromised again and agreed to further increase taxes or roll back spending cuts would have left Republicans deeply split and, many of them say, at risk of losing the core of the party's identity.

'If the voters can't rely on us to stand up to the runaway train of entitlements and deficits and federal debt, what can they count on us for?' said David Kochel, a Republican consultant in Iowa. 'We're going to have disagreements on other issues. This is one we have to agree on.'

Okay. Sure. Go with that, Republicans. You may not know whether hating gay people should still define you as a party (it shouldn't), but at least sticking it to America is and will always remain a core Republican value.