Science! Akin campaign insists you really can perform abortions on non-pregnant ladies

Todd Akin: Not actually a scientist. Because this disclaimer feels necessary, please note this is not from The Onion.

Todd Akin, the super genius who espoused the theory that magic lady parts can detect legitimate rape sperm to prevent pregnancy, is really into explaining science. He even has a theory, espoused in 2008, that makes his rape-sperm-detecting magic lady parts theory sound downright ... Well, no, actually that still sounds stupid. But so does this:

Who wants to be at the very bottom of the food chain of the medical profession? And what sort of places do these bottom-of-the-food-chain doctors work in? Places that are really a pit. You find that along with the culture of death go all kinds of other law-breaking: not following good sanitary procedure, giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant, cheating on taxes, all these kinds of things, misuse of anesthetics so that people die or almost die. All of these things are common practice, and all of that information is available for America.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, it is not a typo. Akin really did say that bottom-of-the-food-chain doctors are breaking the law by giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant.

Obviously, there are a lot of questions to answer here.

1. What the Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ is he talking about?
2. There's a law that bans performing abortions on women who are not actually pregnant? Really?
3. If there's no pregnancy involved in these supposed abortions, why would a "pro-lifer" like Akin care? Isn't the main concern supposed to be about the sacred fetus? No fetus, no problem, right?
4. No, but seriously, what the Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ is he talking about?

You're probably thinking this was one of those "gaffe" things that the campaign will try to explain away with phrases like "inelegant" and "out of context" and maybe even "liberal media." That's standard Republican operating procedure, after all. But no, dummy, you're so wrong, because what Akin said is actually scientifically scientific:

Rep. Todd Akin's campaign is standing by a statement made in 2008 by the current Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Missouri, saying Akin's comment about doctors performing abortions on women who "are not actually pregnant" was rooted in fact.

And then the Akin campaign drops some mad facts that will make your dumb liberal head spin:

"There's ample evidence that abortion doctors on any number of occasions have deceived women into thinking that they're pregnant, and then collect money for a procedure that they don't perform," said Rick Tyler, a spokesperson for Akin's campaign. [...]

Tyler cited a 1978 investigation by the Chicago Sun-Times that claimed that dozens of "abortion mills" were performing unnecessary abortions for profit.

With all that "ample evidence" of law-breaking doctors running around the country performing abortions on non-pregnant women, you'd think the Akin campaign would be able to find a citation from, you know, this millennium. You'd think. But maybe that's why Akin is so successfully locking up the "I don't buy into science" voting bloc.