No, not nearly enough Christmas. We demand more Christmas. Wait, I mean less! It is cold here. It may even snow. Amidst the election detritus, perched on the high ledge of the fiscal cliff, watching cautiously from the trees as lame duck legislatures around the nation contemplatively gnaw on their own bones, I wait. I wait ' for Christmas. It is out there. Somewhere, invisibly, it stalks us. There are lights strung on trees'coincidence? Christmas carols are blaring everywhere, and storefronts are painted with pictures of wreaths, and snowflakes, and new sale prices lettered out in red and green. Were they that way last month? Well, yes, but the month before that? I cannot remember. That was two months ago, and there was an election back then. No, it is coming. Despite our best efforts, Christmas is still coming.
We are gathered here today for what we are calling our War on Christmas fundraising drive. Technically this is not correct, but the more accurate version would be that we are here to seek funds for the War on the War on the War on Christmas. The "War" part is cubed. The War on Christmas, you see, technically does not goddamn exist. But the War on the War on Christmas does exist, and is fought by panicked and paranoid twice-a-year Christians everywhere, with more than a little assistance from Fox News and other, narrower interest groups that only gain influence and rich, delicious money when the larger conservative base is in an absolute frothing panic about something. We are now called to battle for the sake of that war. No, we must wage a new campaign, a new war against the conservative war on the liberal war on Christmas that does not exist. Oh, and ACORN may be involved somehow, it is difficult to say.
Instead of doing Christmas things, we will give each other gifts. Instead of decorating in outlandish Christmas colors, we will decorate in red, celebrating socialism, and green, celebrating RAMPANT VERY SCARY ENVIRONMENTALISM. We will sing sappy little songs about caring for our fellow man, and about our own religious preferences or lack of them, and when we go the supermarket we will not treat some poor, half-starving cashier like dirt for not saying happy birthday to the baby Jesus to each and every last person who walks by, even though not having a supermarket cashier affirm their own religious preferences is quite possibly the worst possible thing that can befall someone. It will be a very subtle war, admittedly. Launching a war against a phony war on an invisible war on a holiday, of all things, tends to get a bit self-referential. This may not have been well thought out.
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