The Chronicles of Mitt: Sept 27, 2012

  Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

The Ohio bus trip continues. Or maybe it is over? I am not actually sure. I am currently in Virginia, where the CIA has briefed me as to various foreign policy matters, none of which seemed very interesting. In any event, if the Ohio trip is over then I would like to point out that it was tremendously successful, and if I am still going back there I have no doubt that it will be successful after that.

I have actually been spending much of the time at fundraisers, rather than at public campaign events. Occasional irritating video cameras aside, fundraisers are far more pleasant things than giving speeches to assorted groups of commoners. I have found that charging individuals five-figure sums for single plates of food is a good way of discouraging the slackabouts from attending; the conversation may then progress to more useful areas of policy, such as the oppression we wealth units are so commonly faced with. Tomorrow I am to attend a fundraiser at the home of a sport team owner who has just wrapped up a dreadful episode in which some of his workers were continuing to demand the pensions they were previously promised'I cannot imagine how that fellow must be feeling. Each time I am feeling depressed on the campaign trail, I think of individuals like that, and how government could best accommodate their business needs, and also how much money my tax policies would save him, and me. Primarily me.

I have been speaking to Eric F. at length today on the subject of where we currently stand in the race. He believes that we are doing extraordinarily well, but that the polls are not reflecting that due to polling company reluctance to accept how much the American public loves me. We have just come from a convention tailored towards explaining my own superiorities to the American commoners; it is nonsensical to think that it would result in no measurable increase in the commoners' acceptance of me. A polling error seems, then, the most likely explanation.

Now I am off to another fundraiser, Mr. Diary. Although I am careful not to admit it in public, I can only presume that the economy is doing extraordinarily well of late, for there seem to be no shortage of individuals who are willing to pay large sums of money in order to eat while I am speaking at them.