Hey, ladies, want to catch a man? Stop being whores and put down that sword

She's never gonna catch a man THAT way Are you "a woman who's looking for Mr. Right and getting nowhere"? Well, then, you're in luck, because Suzanne Venker is here to tell you what you're doing wrong, including, but not limited to, being a woman.

Venker is the niece of Phyllis "Yes, she's still alive" Schlafly and, like her aunt, a self-appointed expert on how feminism ruined everything and turned men into worthless, unmarriageable slackers. She has written several books and articles explaining that women "are happiest and most satisfied when they reject the feminist creed and embrace their femininity." And really, who could argue with that? I know my greatest joy comes from embracing my femininity and rejecting the movement that gave me the right to vote, own my own property and earn an income that vaguely approximates what my male colleagues are paid. Equality, I reject thee!

In Venker's latest steaming pile of accidental satire, she discusses how Jane Austen is super popular two centuries later because she understood that "[f]or women, sex is an emotional experience." Plus she includes a quote from an article she read in the New York Times about Lena Dunham, so you know she's edgy and very now. And, furthermore, she explains how the "female body is steeped in oxytocin and estrogen, two chemicals that together produce an environment ripe for attachment." So, you know. Science.

Head below the fold for Venker's four easy steps to finding your very own Mr. Darcy.