Cheers and Jeers: Saturday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE'

The Nation's Billy Rights Turn 221 Today

On December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious:

I. You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theatre or "Let's elect Michele Bachmann President" seriously in a room full of people with functioning brains;

You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting like a dick, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray you in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it;

The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers;

Nice coffee stains, Madison. Bonus right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and...oh, never mind.

II. This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass.

III. You don't have to let soldiers enter your house. But if they're offering to clean the place and do the dishes, you'd be crazy not to.

IV. There can be no searches or seizures without a warrant unless the information is gathered via a government-approved, retro-immunized telecommunications company which is paid via your tax dollars to suck up all your communications like a vacuum cleaner and spit 'em out at the NSA, where an agent will sort through it all, especially your "secret" cache of archived porn, for which he thanks you kindly.

V. The amendment to invoke when you've been naughty but you don't want anyone to know just how naughty you've been.

VI. As an American citizen you have an ironclad, unshakable, and inviolable right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Unless you've been targeted for elimination by a drone, in which case never mind.

VII. What? Two jury amendments in a row? I'm losing interest in your list, founders.

VIII. No cruel or unusual punishment shall be authorized by anyone except an evil Vice President with heart problems and his own undisclosed location.

IX. If the score is tied after nine amendments, we go into extra innings.

X. States don't gotta do nuthin' they don't hafta if they don't wanna, and if you don't agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the "sore loser" amendment.

To quote James Madison: "Eh...it was late and we were drunk. But we hope ya have fun with 'em!"

This C&J was rescheduled from last night. Feel free to come on down to drink and vent. Or, if you prefer, vent and drink.  More below the fold...