This week in the War on Women: Let's shrink some penises with our feminism

Feminist penis-shrinking machine. Rush Limbaugh, ladies and friends of ladies:

I have a story, it's from Philadelphia, CBS News, CBS Eyeball News. "If size matters, male private parts are shrinking, according to a new Italian study on sexuality. [...] The study's leaders claim to have bona fide research that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10 percent smaller than it was 50 years ago." And the researchers say air pollution is why. Air pollution, global warming, has been shown to negatively impact penis size, say Italian researchers.

I don't buy this. I think it's feminism. If it's tied to the last 50 years, the average size of a member is 10% smaller in 50 years, it has to be the feminazis. I mean, the chickification, everything else. Give 'em time and they'll blame Bush. Give 'em time. But air pollution versus feminazis? Ha.

That's right, ladies. We've got penis-shrinking power now. You probably didn't know that, on account of being so super-stoked about our recently discovered magic lady parts that shut down rape sperm, but really, the superpowers we possess are practically limitless. (Except for not having the power to shut down rape altogether. Or the power to get equal pay for equal work. Or the power to ... Aw, hell, you know.)

I'd like to tell you that Rush Limbaugh is alone in his theory that his dick is small because of feminism. But alas, no. Rep. Allen West of Florida has a similar theory:

And all of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness. Let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient.

Poor American men. All neutered and defenseless and weakened, with their shrunken penises and their subservience. But that's just how it is when the feminists take over, as clearly we have. You might think we'd use our superpowers to address, oh, say, our woeful underrepresentation in government, or our 30-percent-smaller paychecks, or our exclusion from boardrooms and executive offices, but duh, why would we concentrate our efforts on silly stuff like that? After all our shoe shopping, slut-pill popping, and just-for-fun abortions, there's only so much time in the day to concentrate our forces on shrinking penises and neutering the menfolk'aka, Neutered-Americans'and hard as it is for our ladybrains, we must prioritize and draw the line somewhere, amirite?

And that's what feminism is all about, after all. It's not about the radical notion of women being full and equal members of society, with the same rights and privileges as the Neutered-Americans. Our foremothers may have starved themselves for the right to vote, but once we got that taken care of, it's been non-stop penis-shrinking ever since. And it's working!

Here's another radical notion: If we send more women to Congress, we may just be able to neuter and penis-shrink those poor, helpless men right out of existence. And once we've done that, maybe then we can find the time to protect women's health care, fund programs to fight domestic violence, and strengthen equal pay laws. You know, if there isn't some great shoe sale somewhere.

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Together, we can end the War on Women and shrink some penises. Who's in?