The Top 10 Reasons Rand Paul should never start a sentence, 'Had I been president ...'

Chances Rand Paul will ever be president No doubt you've seen Sen. Rand Paul's made-for-TV tantrum yesterday at the U.S. Senate's Benghazi hearing. When the Kentucky senator had his turn to question Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, he said:

"I'm glad that you're accepting responsibility. I think ultimately with your leaving that you accept the culpability for the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that. Had I been president and found you did not read the cables from Benghazi and from Ambassador Stevens, I would have relieved you of your post. I think it's inexcusable."

Setting aside Sen. Paul's thickheaded and insensitive remark that the murder of four Americans in Libya is "the worst tragedy since 9/11"'worse, for example, than 4,000 Americans killed in a pointless and costly war'his tea party toadying, "Had I been president," should not pass without comment.

If Sen. Paul had been president, of course, the mess in Benghazi probably would've been a lot worse, as our embassy personnel would have had much less protection, given the GOP's deep cuts to Secretary Clinton's security requests. But he's not president, and here's why he shouldn't even open his pie hole to entertain the possibility:

The Top 10 Reasons Rand Paul should never start a sentence, "Had I been president..."

#10. Half the audience will laugh so hard they won't hear the rest of your comment.

#9. The other half of the audience will cry so hard your remaining words will be lost in their bawling.

#8. Security will remove you as an outside agitator, perhaps even an anarchist.

#7. Your nitwit tea party followers will have to change their "Rand Paul for Emperor" signs. (They have to change them anyway because they misspelled Emperor.)

#6. Sinners will buy up the world's supply of coats, jackets, and blankets, anticipating hell freezing over.

#5. Michele Bachmann will sue you for "Presidential Batshit Crazy" copyright infringement.  

#4. World leaders will set their nuclear missiles on high alert.

#3. Capitol police will immediately perform a breathalyzer test on you.

#2. Stocks will plunge, except for the companies that make "The End is Nigh" signs.

And the #1 reason Rand Paul should never start a sentence, "Had I been president ..."

#1. Forget it, dude, ain't gonna happen.