Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists need their guns taken away

Just in case you had some doubts as to whether the country was going to hell in a full metal handbasket, read this story of a Newtown resident who is now under constant assault for being supposedly "in on the conspiracy" and weep:

What did Rosen do to deserve this? One month ago, he found six little children and a bus driver at the end of the driveway of his home in Newtown, Connecticut. 'We can't go back to school,' one little boy told Rosen. 'Our teacher is dead.' He brought them inside and gave them food and juice and toys. He called their parents. He sat with them and listened to their shocked accounts of what had happened just down the street inside Sandy Hook Elementary, close enough that Rosen heard the gunshots.

Rosen did media interviews about his involvement; this, apparently, was apparently enough to unleash an onslaught of phone calls, hate mails, and the like from America's strong and growing contingent of Fucking Stupid People, many of whom have convinced themselves of the notion that the murder of twenty elementary school students and six adults was actually all just a government-sponsored hoax, a not-so-elaborate plot to fake yet another mass murder in yet another American town to justify taking their own personal guns away. This, in turn, is because there is a small but very loud collection of Fucking Stupid People in America who are far more concerned about the rights of their guns than the rights of your children, to the point of not even believing your children actually exist, if that's what they have to believe in order to support the rich, creamy notion that all the world and its myriad horrible events exist only to be in support of, or in direct opposition to, their own personal little metal penis extenders.

The obvious irony, of course, is that these are people who should not have guns. Even the NRA, I think, could get on board with that one; head crackpot Wayne LaWhatever announced that one of the only ideas the deep thinkers and weapon advertising gurus at the NRA could come up with, as a way of preventing our schoolchildren from being mowed down by errant patriots, malcontents and other Fucking Stupid People, was that maybe we should be making a big ol' list of all America's crazy people. Point taken: I would hope we could then agree that thinking the biggest mass shooting in America since the last one, not all that long ago itself, was nothing but a secret gubbermint plot against you is the sort of thing that should get you put right at the top of that list, maybe even with a little asterisk after your name denoting you as Exceptionally Fucking Stupid, and Definitely a Danger To The Rest Of Us. The NRA did not quite so explicitly come out and say that crazy people on the list ought to not be allowed to keep personal arsenals, mind you'in the past, they have gone to some trouble to make sure even the most obviously unhinged still be allowed to wander the streets with their finger on however many triggers their fingers want to be on'but we will assume a charitable interpretation. (The NRA is in a difficult spot here, as they aren't really sure how long people will give a crap about the mass murders of schoolchildren, and for the most part need to just bide a little time to find out.)

This really is not a very difficult rule. If you think the gubbermint is after your guns, and you specifically think that the latest summary execution of a new record number of schoolchildren (or theater patrons, or college students, or restaurant-goers'really, there's quite a list to choose from) are, according to the voices from your dental work, hoaxes in support of that wider anti-you plot, then yes'the gubbermint should be taking your goddamn guns, and your ammo, and they should probably go into your house and put safety covers on all your electrical outlets just so you don't go around sticking your tongue in them.

That, or FEMA camps. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that FEMA is setting up camps so that we can round up all the true patriots who are against Agenda 21 and its manatee-loving, bicycle-endorsing holocaust. (Pfft, FEMA can't even get funded for hurricanes, you think Congress is going to buy them tents? You do live in a fantasy world.) But I've heard it often enough that it seems to me we might as well just haul off and do it; we can have Camp Freedumz and Camp Patryot and Camp Drunky McBoatingAccident and just send these people off, already, to live their own little lives on their own little heavily armed mini-Somalian paradises. They would freaking love it; it would finally give their dull little lives meaning. At least until they ran out of ammo.